Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
