You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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