Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
