I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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