I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
