last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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