TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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