proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
