I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dear god my vagina.
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