he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
