remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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