I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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