What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
