false alarm. still invincible.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
