why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
