I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
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OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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