Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
