12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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