I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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