can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
