I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
