I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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