you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
