i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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