So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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