Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
