a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
