i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The best revenge is premature balding
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
