Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
