I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
