I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
