My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
