he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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