Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
