I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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