Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
