i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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