so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
