How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
