I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
