We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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