Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
