You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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