Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
