and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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