My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
