I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
