Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
