nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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