remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
