U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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His hands were made for my vagina.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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