so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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