Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
