life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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